


Oneself

by emmykay



Category: Ookiku Furikabutte | Big Windup!
Genre: Character Study, Childhood, Family, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-26
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-03-15 06:45:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3437438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmykay/pseuds/emmykay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ren knows things about Ren.  Very young child Mihashi, thoughts on self-identity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oneself

**Author's Note:**

> Trying to capture the language and thinking of a child who is about 3 or 4 years old, who is simultaneously observant and oblivious in the third person POV.

Ren's mommy worked and Ren's daddy watched Ren. That's how it was. Even though almost everybody else at Creaky Villa had a daddy who worked and a mommy who watched them. That's how it was for them. 

That's how Ren's daddy explained it to Ren when somebody was mean to Ren about it.

Ren only knew about the way Ren-self felt. Ren loved Daddy, Ren loved Mommy. It made sense that Daddy was at home. Daddy was more patient, was a little better at cooking, spent more time with Ren with books and toys and art. Mommy used bigger words and read thicker books than Daddy, was better at shopping, and sometimes brought something nice home for treats. 

And nobody, Daddy or Mommy, liked cleaning. Ren understood. Ren didn't like picking up after Ren-self, either. That was how it was. 

When Ren visited Ruri, there was a new baby. Ruri decided that they should play house, with baby dolls. Ren agreed. 

Ruri claimed the newest baby doll, grabbed it out of the dollhouse and held it to front of the purple dress Ruri was wearing. That's how babies got milk. Milk was all the food little babies needed, Ruri said. 

Ren didn't have a baby. Ren supposed Ruri must know.

So when Ren's daddy came to find them at the end of the afternoon, they were still playing house. Ruri was diapering the new baby doll, after cutting off all its brand new hair. Ren was in one of Ruri's princess dress-ups, holding the second-nicest doll (who still had all its hair) to Ren-self's front. At Daddy's questioning, Ren told Daddy what Ruri had told Ren.

Daddy only nodded. But it was time to leave.

Ren heard Daddy tell Mommy the story later, quietly, when Ren was supposed to be sleeping. Daddy asked, "What will happen when Ren's older? When we're not there?"

Mommy said, "Nobody knows what's going to happen, Rei. We just have to do the best we can. That's all we can do."

* * *

Daddy really loved art, but they didn't have a lot of money for art things. Sometimes, when Mommy was at work, Daddy and Ren went on walks along the street and picked through the recycling bins that had been left open. They dragged out newspapers and bottles and cardboard tubes and egg cartons. 

Daddy and Ren painted on them, or cut out the pictures and glued them to other things. Daddy sometimes made up stories about the pictures; funny, silly stories about cars in pools or babies bigger than houses or mountains that fit in a pocket. Sometimes they used tape, but tape cost a lot of money. Ren loved tape. Most of the time, though, they made glue out smashing sticky rice against things. Ren loved eating rice glue.

Once, in the recycling bin, there was a whole, unopened package of hairclips, with little bows on them. Ren begged and begged and Daddy pocketed them. 

Later, Daddy complained at the cheapness of the hairclips. The clips started to fall apart almost immediately after the package was opened. Maybe it was because Daddy tried to clean them before Ren could touch them. Because Ren begged, Daddy tried gluing the shredding metallic ribbon onto the already glue-covered plastic base, over and over. 

Ren still loved the hairclips. They were so pretty. Even if Ren's hair was a little snarly and owie when Daddy combed it out.

After asking and asking and asking, finally, Daddy made Ren an apron out of many layers of newspaper that was just like the one Daddy wore when he cooks. Ren was very proud of this apron.

When Ren went to play baseball, Hama-chan looked at Ren's apron. "You sure you want to play in that? You could trip or rip it." 

"I - I do, Hama-chan. Daddy made it for me."

Hama-chan looked at, but didn't say anything about Ren's hairclips. Shrugging, Hama-chan said, "Okay." 

Iwa-chan asked, sharply, "What're you wearing?" Iwa-chan had only recently moved to Creaky Villa. Iwa-chan had a mommy who stayed at home and a daddy who worked far away, who sometimes sent Iwa-chan's mommy big packages filled with really pretty dresses covered in glitter and hairclips decorated with big fake jewels.

Ren said, "An apron -"

At that same time, Hama-chan said, "Iwao." This was different than the friendly, easy way Hama-chan sometimes spoke to Ren. The way Ren heard other kids talking to their younger siblings. This way was new. This way was like the deep chesty rumble of the scary dog down the street warning kids away from the yard of that corner house.

Everyone made sure to walk a long distance out of the way of that house.

Eyes opened wide, Iwao's cheeks turned red. Iwao didn't look at Ren for the rest of the game.

It turned out that Hama-chan was right. Hama-chan was almost always right. Ren had tripped and fallen, knee pushing against the lap part of the apron, bursting through the paper, the force tearing the shoulder strap right off so the apron wouldn't stay on anymore. 

The game halted, and Hama-chan dusted Ren off. "You okay?" Hama-chan asked, voice soft. "You ripped your pants."

Ren's knee didn't hurt, and Ren wanted to nod and say "Okay," but then, looking down at the tatters of the apron, Ren began to cry. 

"Come on then," Hama-chan said, sighing. "I'm taking Ren home," Hama-chan called, taking Ren by the elbow, across the parking lot, up the stairs and to the front door of Ren's family's apartment. The kids behind them were quiet.

Daddy opened the door, eyes wide. "What happened?"

Hama-chan explained, and Daddy nodded. After thanking Hama-chan, Daddy took Ren into the little bathroom and took out a wet washcloth. Daddy washed Ren's face, frowning when Ren winced under the scrubbing. "I have to get the dirt and boogers off!"

Ren giggled. "You said boogers, Daddy."

"You still have them." Softer, Daddy said, "I just wish - I want people - You just have to be careful." Daddy sighed. Then Daddy looked down at the apron and began to pull it off.

"No!" Ren cried, putting small resistant hands against Daddy's. "My - my my apron - " Ren sobbed.

"We're supposed to go see Mommy at a dinner tonight. It's a group of senior speakers for her department. You can't go like this. You're going to have to get changed anyway - you're so dirty - "

Ren clutched at the torn paper, fingers digging in. "MY APRON!"

"So what do you want me to do?"

"FIX IT!"

"I have to make a new one."

"I WANT THIS ONE."

"Okay, okay, okay." Daddy's hands came up in surrender. Daddy looked at the apron with a thinking face. "Can you take it off, change your clothes and I'll fix it then?"

"Can I paint it?"

Daddy frowned. "A little. Maybe just cutting and pasting things."

"Can you use tape?"

Daddy's eyes closed and shoulders dropped. "Okay, okay, okay. Now, go change. There's another pair of pants on the chair." 

Ren hurried to change. Pants were everyday clothing, easy to put on. Ren liked pants, especially because pants were for baseball.

Daddy got out the big pile of newspapers and wrapped Ren in layers, asking Ren to hold the paper in place.

"Tape, Daddy! Tape!"

Daddy got up, opened the special drawer that Ren wasn't allowed to even look into, and got out a roll of tape. _Tape!_ Then Ren spun around and around while Daddy held the tape and shaped the paper into a kind of skirt.

They both looked down at it. Daddy said, frowning, "That's the best I can do."

Seeing it finished, Ren's heart beat fast. Ren loved it. The only thing better would be painting it.

Glancing at the clock on the wall, Daddy said a hard sharp word. Ren didn't flinch. Daddy was mad at the clock, not Ren. "We gotta get going or Mommy's going to kill me." 

"My hairclips!"

"We'll fix them later!"

Grabbing Ren's hand, they hurried out of the apartment, down the street, past the growling dog without a second glance, and barely caught the bus in time.

* * *

Ren had been to this restaurant before. Maybe. They all seemed the same. Mommy went to a lot of speakers dinners things. And sometimes, Daddy and Ren went, too. Nobody but Mommy and Daddy really talked to Ren very much. Some of the people Mommy worked with were very nice, but they didn't have kids and they weren't very interesting. The last time, one of them had even told Ren they didn't like baseball. 

Ren thought that was kind of rude.

This time, it was kind of boring even in the new apron/skirt. At least on the bus, Daddy had put in the hairclips, sometimes poking Ren because of too much wiggling and bothering their neighbors. 

In the restaurant, Ren sat with the coloring book and crayons Daddy always brought along. Later, Ren was given a plate of fried rice with extra egg that Mommy always ordered. 

Mommy got up and asked Ren if Ren wanted to go potty. Ren refused with a sharp head-shake. "Mommy, I'm eating."

After Mommy had left, Ren suddenly bent over with the urge to pee. Grabbing Daddy's elbow, Ren whispered, "Daddy, I gotta go."

"Mommy just - " Daddy sighed. "Come on." They marched to the back of the restaurant. In front of one of the two doors, Daddy asked, "Do you want to go in with me?" 

"I want to go with Mommy," Ren said.

"You sure? You can go with me like you did the other day."

Ren nodded, hard. "I want Mommy today."

"Okay," Daddy said. "Go in and try to find Mommy."

Ren pushed in through the door, but it was confusing. The bathroom was a lot bigger than it looked - the first room had a couch (!) and then past the half-door was another room with what looked like four or five stalls and a couple of sinks. There were a lot of people there, not all of them looked like they needed to pee.

Some of the women in the bathroom were whispering to each other, and when they saw Ren, they paused. "Is that a dress?" one whispered, eyes narrowed, mouth tight.

"Yes," Ren said. "Daddy made it for me." But it seemed the wrong thing to say. 

That mouth, and the one next to it, tightened, liked screwed-up paper in the garbage.

"Why would he do that for you?" The puzzlement in the eyes of women and the way their mouths twisted drove Ren backwards. "You're a - "

Head shaking, retreating, eyes tearing up, Ren bumped into something firm. Ren turned quickly, only to find the firm thing was actually someone's legs. Ren looked up into the dark eyes and smooth skin of a beautiful person. Maybe the most beautiful person Ren had ever seen; long braided dark hair done up and decorated with little gold and white pins surrounded a strong nose and prominent cheekbones, the tall, lean body was sheathed in a glittery dress, all of that on top of pretty shoes. The dark eyes had looked down at Ren first with surprise, and then a great softness.

When the women saw the beautiful person, they stopped talking.

"Sweetie," the person asked, voice soft and low, "You looking for somebody?"

"Mommy," Ren whispered.

"What's your name?"

"Ren."

"My name is Ai." The beautiful person looked past the half-door and said, loudly, "Ren is looking for Mommy. Is Ren's mommy here?"

"Ren?" said a familiar voice from far away, sounding very surprised. 

"Mommy?" Ren said, somehow unable to speak very loudly.

"I'm right here," Mommy said.

"There you go, Ren. Your mommy is in the very last one." Then Ai took Ren's hand and walked down to the last door. "Can you wait out here?"

Ren nodded. "I'm big."

"Thank you," Mommy said through the bathroom door, sounding embarrassed. "Ren, I'll be done in a minute. Do you want to crawl under the door?"

Ren began to shake.

"You okay, Ren?" Ai asked. "You want me to wait here?"

Bouncing like rubber ball, Ren announced, "You're a - a nice person! That's the most pretty dress I've ever seen! Thank you so much!"

"You're welcome." Ai's hand, pale and smooth and with a ring on every finger, came up and gently touched Ren's hair. "And thank you. I like your dress, too." Ai smiled, revealing beautiful straight teeth, corners of eyes crinkling. "Sweetheart, I'm going to leave you here, now. But you're going to be okay. Believe me, everything is going to be okay."

**Author's Note:**

> Things I was thinking about while writing - 
> 
> How and when does a person start to think about themselves in gendered pronouns, or in anything else but "I", if they're not naturally inclined to think of themselves in that way? 
> 
> How is that way of thinking introduced towards them?
> 
> Would that person apply that sort of thinking (which I tend to think of as "Name-only") to others?
> 
> What effect, if any, is there on the people around them?


End file.
